Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
FAIRFIELD, NY – Joe “The Sleaze Ball” Johnson admitted to rigging the results of the “Best Riggers Contest” held by Fairfield, New York’s Park District on Saturday. The votes of the contest were initially miscounted, which is when Fairfield Park District representative suspected foul play.
“Well, it could have been Tommy ‘Cheats’ Malone, Dirty Danny “Never-Fair,” or Wayne ‘Rig-all-day’ Rigsky, but I always had my eye on ‘Plays Fair’ Paul,” Angie from the Fairfield Park District explained. “Plays Fair” Paul was a top suspect of rigging the contest. Paul was held in county jail with a $200,000 bond until Joe “The Sleaze Ball” came forward. The Fairfield Police Department are still working together to find out the real winner of this contest.
The winner of the “Best Riggers Contest” receives a free Battleship board game, although the creators of the game claim they question this contest’s integrity. “Battleship is a game of honor. There is no place in this game for cheaters,” explained Battleship executive Tony Antaletti.
Among the crowd gathered at the “Riggers Convention,” local librarian Susan Hughes asked why there would be a contest for rigging. Everyone else in the area seemed to just go along with it. The “Best Riggers Contest” is scheduled to repeat next year.