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The poll, taken by Gallup, asked each of the eight planets to rank their fellow planets in order. Although the first place is still stuck in a seven-way tie, seven planets all agreed: Earth is the worst.
“They got that whole life thing going on,” Neptune said when asked why this might be. “It’s got things crawling all over it. It’s like that smelly kid with head lice everyone went to elementary school with.”
When pressed for comment, Mars claimed that it put Earth last because of an infection it received from Earth this past year. “I was just sitting there minding my own business, and all of a sudden I see something flying from Earth and headed for me. I know it’s on me somewhere, and it’s just – eughueurugh! I think I just felt it,” Mars said.
This year’s results are a complete reversal of the last poll, taken 30 billion years ago. That year, Earth was ranked number two, right behind Jupiter.
“Earth was a real up-and-comer back then,” Jupiter told us. “Bright, a beautiful blue and green. I had high hopes for it. Now I’d rather hang out with Pluto than Uno Moon-o.”
Although the Sun didn’t have a say in the poll, it did speak out on the results.
“I fully agree. I’d burn the whole thing up if I wasn’t afraid of losing Mercury and Venus with it,” the Sun said as it shined across the Milky Way.