Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
EARTH, MILKY WAY GALAXY – After approximately 13.77 billion years, God announced at a press conference Wednesday that he will be stepping down and resigning from omnipotence to retire somewhere near the coast in Florida. This will be the first time ever that God has resigned and sets a new precedent for future deities. God, whose real name is Bert Schreiber, admits he’s “just not down with the whole ‘God’ thing anymore.”
While wearing a sideways cap and sunglasses, a seemingly intoxicated God claimed he hopes to live the rest of eternity in peace and comfort. He also hopes to begin a DJ music career once he retires. “I know every beat everybody has heard, I just gotta switch it up a notch!” God said with a smile. After the resignation, God will no longer be called God, nor will he wear his well-known red “God-Nikes.” When asked how the next all-knowing, omnipotent being will be chosen, God responded that there is an ad for the job on Craigslist.
The announcement comes right after a similar announcement from Pope Benedict XVI, who recently retired from papacy just weeks ago. God claims his actions are unrelated, and that God would really like to finally communicate with a Pope for the first time. God’s resignation comes amidst inter-galactic scandals like the GORBLOX disaster in the L83 Galaxy and the accusations that God had extra-marital affairs with 6V, the C.E.O. of Waklar 9 in the 39thdimension.
God declined to comment further on those issues. He did, however, say that he is just “out of it” nowadays and that his “burning bush” days are behind him. After declining any more comments, God began promoting his new DJ career. “Watch for a new DJ out there in the circuit, my name is “W.W.D.J.” Peace!”” Then God flew away.
By Kyle Tasch