Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Gun control has been on the lips of most of the politicians on Capitol Hill this week, and today thousands of firearms and rifles came together to deliver one clear message: “Ban us, please. What the fuck?”
A snub-nosed revolver addressed the crowd of black and gray metal this morning. “We are being used to shoot kids! We don’t want to shoot kids! Ban us, please! What the fuck are you guys thinking?” These guns all agree: the time has come for all guns to be abolished.
“I was used to rob a fucking nursing home last week,” a shotgun said. “What happened to this country?” In a recent study, scientists confirmed what most Americans had already thought: all gun-related crimes would decrease if guns were banned.
“No shit,” quipped the shotgun.
One 9MM, a former firearm for the Chicago Police Department, claims to have been stolen and sold to a street gang. “Tell you the truth, life ain’t so bad in the gang. When I was a cop gun, I would shoot somebody every other week. Now, I just get fired into the air,” the 9MM told us.
Tensions rose as an automatic assault rifle used in a church shooting last Spring took the stage.
“My owner claimed I was bought to hunt deer – the only forest I ever saw was the one he was hiding in , waiting to kill those poor, poor people,” it shouted.
We went to our Facebook page to get comments on this story.
Daniel P. from Nevada writes, “If criminals can’t get their hands on guns, how else will they terrorize our society??? Think about it people!!!”
“Just ’cause a couple of wackjobs used a couple of guns to kill a couple of kids doesn’t mean we should ban them,” Jason L. from Texas regurgitated onto a public website that people can read.