Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
LOUISVILLE, KY – Local grocery store employee Derek Mailer told co-workers Monday that he saw the ‘awful’ Jurassic Park remake over the weekend.
“It’s like they tried to remake the first one frame-by-frame,” Mailer told fellow co-workers John Daly and Megan Korcheck in the break room Monday morning. “Of course it was in 3D this time though.”
Daly and Korcheck shared this information with other workers of the locally-owned grocery store with laughter, far from the ears of Mailer.
“Like…I don’t know if he was ribbing us, but it didn’t seem like it was,” Korcheck told us. Korcheck has worked with Mailer for 7 months. “I wouldn’t say Mailer is the type to be that sarcastic.”
Jurassic Park originally came out in 1993. This past week, a 3D version of the original film was released in theaters. It is unknown at this time what led to Mailer believing the re-release was a remake of the original beloved film.
“The CGI was way outdated,” Mailer told us when asked for comment. “They didn’t update it at all. And someone needs to tell the guy who played Jeff Goldblum’s character from the original that he is no Jeff Goldblum.”
Mailer denounced the film, stating that the ‘Titanic remake from last year was way better.’