Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
OAK PARK, IL – After a man was brutally stabbed to death 20 times in Oak Park, Illinois on Friday, the police were finally able to find the assailant using “munchies” as evidence. The top murder suspect was overweight, and rather pathetic according to the Associated Press. Oak Park police were able to match the Jalapeño Cheetos residue from the knife with the half-eaten Jalapeño Cheetos bag in the suspect’s car.
The Cheetos eater, Fred Berorick, says the Cheetos-matchup was an absolute coincidence. Berorick also has asked for DNA evidence to be gathered for the crime scene. Lieutenant Birgstrom says that would be unnecessary.
“We have this Cheetos-eating-monster and the only time he’ll be saying ‘cheese’ from now on is when he’s posing for his mugshot,” Birgstrom added.
Berorick hopes he will see the light of day again, and he knows prison life won’t be “cheesey.” Nevertheless, the Oak Park community is happy to have this obscure-Cheetos fan off the streets.