Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
ALTERNATE NEW YORK CITY, NY – Citizens of the alternate reality of our reality are busting their ass to keep up with us.
Ever since our two realities were split in 1974 when Richard Nixon resigned from the presidency in our timeline and became Lord Supreme Ruler of All in theirs, alt-citizens have been working hard to keep themselves the ‘alternate’ reality.
“It’s been getting harder as the years go by,” alt-citizen Al Gore told us. As you might know, the Al Gore in our reality served as Vice President of the United States from 1992 until 2000, when he was defeated in a race for the presidency. In the alternate reality, Al Gore is the star of “Live Unwed Sex”, one of the longest-running episodic television programs. “It wasn’t my idea for the show. There in the mid-90’s, we realized your reality was blowing us out of the water with smut on television. We figured this is the only thing we could do.”
“It really got bad in the early 2000’s. At one point, I threw up my hands and told myself, ‘Well, you’re going to have to start shitting your pants on-air every night’,” Gore recalled.
In response to the Columbine tragedy, every alt-student was given a handgun and a box of ammunition. After 9/11 happened in our reality, alt-citizens briefly began dressing as clowns. They felt it was the only way to respond.
“You guys are getting crazy over there,” Gore says. “I heard you elected a coked up half-retarded guy as president a few years back? Really? You know, that forced us to elect a random guy on PCP. Things are shit here. Fuck your reality.”