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Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Illinois To Vote on Medical Crack-Cocaine

ImageSPRINGFIELD, IL – A bill to allow Illinois residents to use medical crack-cocaine in the treatment of their debilitating medical conditions is gaining the support of lawmakers at the State House, has cleared several committees, and could see a debate and a vote on the floor of the House this week.

If passed, Illinois would be the first state to declare crack-cocaine medically sound.

Illinoisians for Medicinal Crack President Don Henderson claims that nearly half of all state represenatives have stated they are in favor of medical crack-cocaine, but that there is still a long road ahead of them.

“Lots of hours have been spent debating this topic,” Henderson said this morning. “When I say lots of hours, I’m talking a lot of hours.”

If passed, the bill would allow reasonable adults to decide if crack-cocaine is right for their condition, without the state authorities intervening.

“There is a lot of stigma attached to crack-cocaine. I don’t know why, it’s wonderful,” State Rep. Charles Mortimer gleefully told reporters today. “Have you done it? You should.”

Billy Tybalt, chronic sufferer of being tired all the time, agrees with Rep. Mortimer. “This vote is like – okay, do you remember when you were little and you had all that energy and then you would decide that you had enough energy to do anything like pick up cars but they were small cars you know like those ones that your Dad used to bring home to you every night because he used to work late at work and then he would come home and you would talk and then he’d watch the news but you didn’t care about the news because you’re a child and you just care about your cars?” Tybalt asked within a span of a few seconds. “Crack-cocaine is like Hot Wheels.”

Under U.S. federal law, crack-cocaine is considered an addictive substance and distribution is a federal offense.

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This entry was posted on April 11, 2013 by in Politics.
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