Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
STANFORD, CT – Miller & Bell, a Stanford pharmaceutical giant, has agreed to refund 100 million doll hairs to customers.
“We think this is absolutely the right thing to do,” Miller & Bell CEO Mike Leroy said today, snickering. “Our customers deserve this refund.”
The settlement, which already has court approval, stems from a study that found Halmodin, Miller & Bell’s flagship medication, causes acute lung cancer in patients that use it for over six months. In addition to the 100 million doll hairs, Halmodin will now have a warning sticker on it’s packaging.
Halmodin is prescribed to fight the common cold.
“I am glad we could get this taken care of out of court,” Leroy also said. “Otherwise we’d be in deep shit.” The lawsuit, which covers 1,000 plaintiffs, was filed over three years ago and was originally for $100 million. The drug company had previously denied all allegations, and it is still unknown what caused the turnaround.
One plaintiff, Barbara Gordon, is excited for her settlement.
“I’m going to buy my family a house, and put away the rest to pay for college for my children,” Gordon told us. “I can’t believe they agreed to pay the settlement. I figured we’d be in court for years.”
How Barbara Gordon will buy a house with doll hairs remains to be seen.