Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
CHICAGO, IL – Horrible traffic jams right outside Chicago actually begin moving backwards during the commute yesterday to the dismay of hundreds of Chicagoland commuters. The root cause of the traffic jam was a result of two cars that were pulled over due to a minor accident.
“First the cars were slowed down to a stop. Then, all the cars started moving backwards,” local commuter Allen Beacons said. The cars and trucks moving in reverse caused delays that backed up far into the Chicago suburbs.
“It was like watching everything in reverse – like I had one of those time machines with a rewind button,” traffic analyst Dan Perton described. “The traffic all flowed backwards, it was a hoot.”
Other motorists were not as amused. Jean Shartman explained that his rearview mirror was rather dirty, making it difficult to drive in reverse. “It’s mighty hazardous when you can hardly see in your rearview mirror.” When Shartman was asked why his mirror was not cleaned regardless, Shartman claimed he simply “doesn’t wash things.”
The backwards-bound traffic may have been an interesting sight, but the delays had unintended consequences. Downtown Chicago businesses all stated that their profits sank to an all-time low. Meanwhile, local peddlers selling items to motorists had soaring profits.