Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
“I’ve tried patches, I’ve tried gum,” Obama told the American people in a televised press conference. “Hell, I even tried electroshock therapy, but don’t tell the Republicans that. I’ve tried everything. Nothing has worked.”
Obama claims the only way he’ll ever be able to quit smoking is if the price per pack is astronomically high.
Meanwhile, tobacco companies claim this tactic is less about the President’s vices, and more about taxing the lower and middle classes.
“Our own research suggests this tax will only truly affect the poor. For they have no money, you see,” one tobacco executive told us as he twirled his cartoonish mustache.
In addition to the cigarette tax, Obama has also suggested a national swear jar and a hefty fine for not exercising as much as he’s supposed to.