Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

East Coast Prepares For Cicadapocalypse

ImageBALTIMORE, MD – The somewhat annoying cicadas are headed back to the Eastern United States, and today authorities began to prepare.

“You can expect for most mass transit networks to shut down. Buses won’t be running, the subways are going to stop running,” Baltimore City Commissioner Donald Halloway said today. “We advise our city’s residents to stock up on food and essentials. Prepare to be stuck in your home for at least 3 months.”

The cicadas will begin appearing over the next five days. The bugs were last seen in the area back in 2004, and caused $25,000 in damage. Residents who remember that outbreak have expressed the need to prepare for the onslaught.

“2004 was awful,” New Haven, CT resident Richard Powell recalled. “I remember I was on the phone with a friend out west, and I had to explain to her what the sound in the background was. I never want to have to go through something like that again.”

East Coasters on our Facebook page also reminisced about how bad the Cicadapocalypse of 2004 was. Quentin Markwell wrote, “I was driving during the cicada invasion of 2004, and one flew right in my open window. It disoriented me so much I caused a 50-car pileup on the freeway. Those winged demons are not to be taken lightly.”

In response to the upcoming cicada invasion, the Red Cross has called for volunteers to help ease the rebuilding efforts.

To donate to the victim of Cicadapocalypse 2013, you can text ‘cicada’ to 242436, or call the toll-free hotline at 1-800-CICADA. Donations can taken in the form of cash, VISA or Mastercard.

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This entry was posted on April 14, 2013 by in Science.
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