Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
GRAND FORKS, ND – As the alarm went off at the Grand Forks District 10 Firehouse Sunday afternoon, firefighter Jim Collins was unconvinced it was worth throwing away the frozen dinner he had just finished heating.
“This always happens,” Collins said as his fellow firemen rushed to suit up. “I really want to eat this.”
The dinner, a Hungry Man XL with chicken tenders and french fries, had just been heated in the station’s communal microwave for three minutes prior to the alarm ringing. “It even has a brownie for dessert. Oh maaan,” Collins added. “I doubt this fire is that bad.”
Other firefighters at the station repeatedly called out for Collins to ‘hurry it up already’, and ‘just bring it with you, Jesus!’
“I took the time to take this dinner out of the freezer, take off the plastic wrap, put it in the microwave, punch in all the numbers,” Collins said. “The same thing happened last weekend when I brought in leftover spaghetti.”
At the time of publication, Jim Collins was trying to stuff as many of the chicken tenders in his mouth as he searched for his boots. Across town, the fire has already claimed six lives.