Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
GUANTANAMO BAY – Officials at Guantanamo Bay are responding to recent prisoner hunger strikes by beginning a strike of their own – refusing to torture the detainees. While approximately 40 detainees refuse to eat any food given to them, the authorities have begun retaliating by refusing to torture the prisoners.
“I’m not going to touch a water-boarding sponge until these guys start eating their food,” Guantanamo Bay Warden Jim Dengle said. “If they aren’t going to eat, then I’m not going to bother torturing them.”
The tensions are high at Guantanamo as both the detainees and the authorities are on strike. US Officials are weighing their options as to how to proceed.
Just as some detainees are requiring force-feeding, some non-striking Gitmo officials are having to “force-torture” the detainees. For example, one official will take another official, who is on strike, by the hand and then slap a detainee in the face.
“We can hold out as long as they can,” Striking officer Dan Harvey told us. “Once they see that we’re unwilling to torture them, they’ll do whatever we want.”
As the hold-outs continue to develop, several detainees wonder why this place wasn’t closed a long time ago.