Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
“Wait a minute, I didn’t see a stork,” G.W. Bush says.
Margaret Laura ‘Mila’ Hager was born to Jenna Bush Hager and her husband Henry Hager last night in a New York City hospital. Jenna Bush Hager is, of course, the daughter of former President George W. Bush, and is a contributing correspondent for the “Today” show.
‘Mila’ Bush Hager, future president, has been known for a long time to be the baby that will lead the Republican Party into a new age.
“This is a big day, not only for the party, but for the country,” Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters on Sunday. “If you thought the Republican Party was standing on it’s last legs, just wait 35 years. We’ll show you.”
Former President Bush was radiant at the hospital, reporters say, but was confused during a press conference.
“I see this baby, and I know this baby will one day rule the free world,” the 43rd President said, “but I didn’t see the stork come through. I left some crackers and apples out for it, but they remain untouched. What’s really going on here?”
As aides tried to explain things to the former President, Democratic leaders expressed remorse for the birth of the baby.
“I guess that’s it, then,” Secretary of State John Kerry told us. “We’re for sure fucked now. Did you see the pictures yet? That baby is going to melt hearts across the Midwest. Our only hope going forward is that Mila’s views turn out to be too radical for women and minorities to accept. Otherwise – shit.”
No word yet on any strategic plan the Democrats may have.