Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
EVERYWHERE – It has been officially announced today that it is unsafe to do anything you might be thinking of doing anywhere you might be thinking of doing it.
No matter what it is you might be thinking about doing, be forewarned that it will be unsafe to do it. That includes, but is not limited to, eating at a restaurant, eating at home, taking your dog for a walk, coughing, blowing your nose, kissing your loved ones, sitting in chairs and/or on benches, forwarding e-mails to friends, dropping a beat, going to school, going to the library, brushing your teeth, talking to anyone or anything, and making dioramas with your children.
Places reported to be unsafe include your home, your bed, the post office, wherever you work, in the arms of your spouse, your car, and hotel rooms in Colorado.
Authorities have said that the most likely safe place would be your neighborhood bar or tavern.