Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
“I was holding out hope, you know,” 32 year old Griffin Knight admitted today. “We lost Guillen in the off-season, and I really thought that his absence would help out the team. Not looking good now, though.”
Even though the Marlins beat the Nationals Tuesday afternoon, they are currently sitting with the worst record in the league. They have won 3 games and lost eleven, and are reportedly ‘pitiful’.
“You know, you come into the season, and you expect your team to just explode out of the gate….man. I don’t want to keep talking about this,” Knight said. “Look at me, a 32 year old man, with tears in his eyes.”
Last season, the Marlins hit a franchise record for most wins in a month when they won 21 games in May. That isn’t helping them this season.
“We had two guys change their names before last season, and I think it really made a difference. Maybe if some of the players this year had changed their names…well, not worth thinking about it now,” Knight said, downtrodden. “It’s the new ball park. It’s gotta be.”