Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Charlie Loses Chocolate Factory in Divorce

ImageLONDON – In an especially painful and delicious divorce settlement, Charlie Bucket has lost his infamous chocolate factory to his former wife.

Bucket’s wife, 49-year-old Martha Dylan Bucket, was awarded the chocolate factory by a judge today in a settlement that also includes a 100-foot yacht, two homes in the London area, and full services of all twenty Oompa Loompas. This comes after Charlie was arrested for soliciting a prostitute last November.

“Ms. Dylan is extrememly satisfied with the outcome of this settlement,” Martha’s lawyer George Wallis told reporters today. “This will go a long way in securing the comfort Ms. Dylan is accustomed to.” Lawyers for Charlie Bucket have already said they will contest the ruling.

“My client, Mr. Bucket, has been under significant emotional stress following his arrest this past Fall, and Ms. Dylan and her lawyers have taken advantage of that,” said Thomas Miller, Charlie’s lawyer. “What does she think she’s going to do with twenty orange midgets anyway? She has no background in supporting little people, whereas my client has been doing it for over forty years.”

Charlie Bucket was awarded the chocolate factory back in 1971, after eccentric millionaire Willy Wonka began a worldwide hunt for his successor. Wonka, who passed in 2000, chose Charlie after a strict process that resulted in the death of four children. Wonka successfuly defended himself in a wrongful death suit by the parents of the children in 1973.

No word yet on Ms Dylan’s plans for the chocolate factory.

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This entry was posted on April 17, 2013 by in Pop-Culture.
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