Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Ricin Suspect Arrested After He Put Return Address on Letter

ImageTUPELO, MS – Authorities have arrested the man they believe to be responsible for sending letters to a Mississippi Senator and the President laced with ricin.

Authorities were able to identify Paul Kevin Curtis after he wrote his own home’s address as the return address on the letters. Police were also able to identify him by the last written line on the letters – “I am KC” – now believed to stand for “Kevin Curtis”.

“He didn’t use his first initial, which probably would have taken us a little bit to figure out if he hadn’t left the address on the envelope. I can’t believe it myself,” said Special Agent Nick Arthur for the FBI. Arthur has been assigned to the case since the first letter was found Monday morning. “What kind of moron would sign a poisonous letter? Did he want it back if it didn’t go through?”

The letters, sent to Mississippi Senator Roger Wicker and President Obama, have caused nerves in the political community since they were found Monday. The FBI were able to apprehend Curtis immediately.

“Once the letters were found, our agents sprung into action,” FBI Director Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday. “When we began to pinpoint exactly who might have done this, Nick piped up and said, ‘Sir, I think there’s an address on here’, and I said, ‘No fucking way’.”

Authorities swooped down on Curtis’ home in Tupelo soon after.

“We expected, I don’t know, some sort of boobytrap,” Mueller continued, “or something, shit. But that wasn’t the case. He was just sitting in the living room, eating Cheerios. It’s baffling. Son-of-a-bitch probably got the idea from Breaking Bad if I had to guess.”

Authorities can not yet say whether Curtis was a Breaking Bad fan or not at this point.

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This entry was posted on April 17, 2013 by in Politics.
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