Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
PARIS, FRANCE – Lance Armstrong’s bicycle is hoping to set the record straight that the bicycle never took performance enhancing drugs like its rider, Lance Armstrong. The bicycle wants to emphasize that while Armstrong was using dope, the bicycle itself was always sober and led a clean lifestyle.
The bicycle had always had a great deal of integrity and even claimed to attempt to dissuade Armstrong from doping. Armstrong eventually admitted to doping and was stripped of his championship titles. The bicycle, however, claims this is extremely unfair since the bike worked equally as hard to finish the races.
“I never used performance-enhancing drugs of any kind. While there may have been one doping athlete crossing the finish line in first place, I was sober as a judge,” Armstrong’s bicycle said.
Lance Armstrong’s bicycle is criticizing the decision to strip the titles from Armstrong since the bicycle was free of performance enhancing drugs throughout all the races.
When Tour de France officials were asked about Armstrong’s bicycle’s arguments, the officials demanded that Armstrong’s bicycle take a drug test. The bicycle refused.