Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
TUPELO, MS – The man charged with sending threatening letters containing ricin was apparently an Elvis impersonator, according to sources. Curtis is now behind bars and policemen are lining up to hear him sing Elvis songs like “All Shook Up” and, appropriately, “Jailhouse Rock.”
It took authorities only one day to find Curtis. They found him hiding in a bathroom stall among other people in Tupelo. One officer began looking at the feet of the people under the stall walls in the bathroom and identified Curtis by his blue suede shoes.
Lab results show that Curtis was indeed the perpetrator of the threatening mail. Friends of Curtis say they hired him for parties to do his Elvis impersonation.
In jail, other prisoners are seeking autographs and apparently screaming at the top of their lungs as Curtis shakes his hips to Elvis tunes. One prison warden says that when Curtis heard another inmate crying over being shanked, Curtis began singing, “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time,” to which nearby prisoners danced along and snapped their fingers.