Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
After another sinkhole swallowed three cars in Chicago this morning, authorities were able to arrest two groundhogs for the crime. The Chicago sinkhole is just the latest in a series that has swept across the world in recent months.
“We found both groundhogs near the sinkhole disaster site around ten o’clock this morning,” Chicago Police Chief Garry McCarthy told reporters this afternoon. “We knew we had our groundhogs when a piece of asphalt was found in one of their mouths.” Authorities say that the two groundhog suspects are a part of a larger operation.
Three sinkholes opened up in Seffner, Florida within a month of each other, killing one man. Another in a neighborhood in Ohio, yet another on a beach in New Jersey. Three hundred Louisiana residents were evacuated when a sinkhole was discovered there last year.
“Looking back now, it’s clear there was some sort of connection to all of them,” said Harry Tilman, Professor of Terrorism Studies at the University of Jacksonville. “But that’s what terrorism does, it makes us confused to the point where we can’t connect all the dots.”
The two groundhogs, names unknown at this point, have been revealed to be a part of G-had(the G is for groundhog), a paramilitary group of groundhogs. G-had has been around a long time, but have only recently moved into full-on terrorism.
“Their main objective,” Tilman tells us, “is to free their politically jailed brethren. You may know him as Punxsutawney Phil.”
Punxsutawney Phil, the ‘beloved’ groundhog who predicts the start of Spring every February, is said to have been held in American captivity for over 123 years. G-had has been working towards his release for about as long.
“You Americans think you can keep our ally jailed in your tree stump? You think that won’t cause the full weight of the united groundhogs to fall on you? You are wrong,” a recently released video by G-had states. The video, which shows a small backlit furry creature, was sent to several major news agencies today. “Dead wrong.”
The Department of Homeland Security says the arrest of the two suspected groundhog terrorists goes a long way toward eradicating the terroristic groundhog population.