Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Boston Bars Prepare For Post-Blood Lust Celebrations

ImageBOSTON, MA – Early reports are confirming that bars and taverns in the Boston area are preparing themselves for what will surely be a major party tonight.

Shortly after 8PM EST, authorities took Dzhokar Tsarnaev, 19, into custody after a manhunt that lasted close to 18 hours. Almost immediately, a man on the street in Watertown reportedly told bystanders that he ‘really needs a drink now.’

“Well, it’s all over,” the man is said to have…said. “Time for a Jameson.”

Local bars in the Watertown and Boston area are currently stocking their iceboxes and getting their taps in working order. One local tavern owner can’t wait.

“I’m going to make a fucking shitload tonight, boy,” Herald Tavern owner Bob Miller said. “The first rounds on the house, of course, but after that – I’m going to be fucking swimming in coin.”

“My heart goes out to the deceased, of course,” Miller added.

Tsarnaev was found in a boat hitched up in a backyard of a house. Authorities swooped into the scene and took the suspect into custody after a short firefight, reports say. The suspect is said to have some unmentioned medical conditions to address. Locals say they don’t really care.

“Yeah, I’m glad they got him – oh, excuse me,” 28 year old Tommy Patterson told us as he stopped to take a huge gulp of beer. “Mmm. Yep. Glad they got him alive, but I would have taken ‘dead’, too. God bless us all. Let’s get lit.”

Rounds of caramel-colored liquor were being bought for police officers at the time of publication, as Boston and the surrounding cities look to put the past week behind them.

2 comments on “Boston Bars Prepare For Post-Blood Lust Celebrations

  1. Emmerson Biggens
    April 19, 2013

    so this is like an unfunny, poorly written version of the onion?

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This entry was posted on April 19, 2013 by in Politics, Pop-Culture.
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