Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
Shortly after 8PM EST, authorities took Dzhokar Tsarnaev, 19, into custody after a manhunt that lasted close to 18 hours. Almost immediately, a man on the street in Watertown reportedly told bystanders that he ‘really needs a drink now.’
“Well, it’s all over,” the man is said to have…said. “Time for a Jameson.”
Local bars in the Watertown and Boston area are currently stocking their iceboxes and getting their taps in working order. One local tavern owner can’t wait.
“I’m going to make a fucking shitload tonight, boy,” Herald Tavern owner Bob Miller said. “The first rounds on the house, of course, but after that – I’m going to be fucking swimming in coin.”
“My heart goes out to the deceased, of course,” Miller added.
Tsarnaev was found in a boat hitched up in a backyard of a house. Authorities swooped into the scene and took the suspect into custody after a short firefight, reports say. The suspect is said to have some unmentioned medical conditions to address. Locals say they don’t really care.
“Yeah, I’m glad they got him – oh, excuse me,” 28 year old Tommy Patterson told us as he stopped to take a huge gulp of beer. “Mmm. Yep. Glad they got him alive, but I would have taken ‘dead’, too. God bless us all. Let’s get lit.”
Rounds of caramel-colored liquor were being bought for police officers at the time of publication, as Boston and the surrounding cities look to put the past week behind them.