Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
FOREMONT, OK – Aspiring marathon runners everywhere now have a new excuse for refusing to get out and practice running long distances. Runners everywhere are exchanging the outdoors for their television sets and CNN since the bombings at the Boston Marathon on April 15.
Runners are sitting back in their reclining chairs and hunched over on their laptops since it seems to be safer than going anywhere near a marathon. Even though it is clearly healthier to get out and go for a run than to sit and watch TV while eating potato chips, runners say they do not want to be anywhere near a finish line any time soon.
“Well, I used to run 8 miles everyday,” Chip Nelson told us while sitting on his couch, “but since this terrorist attack, I think I better catch up on CNN and make sure there’s no more danger lurking around runners.”
Some people who were never enthusiastic joggers are now claiming they are indeed runners but they cut back on the sport after the tragedy.
“Yeah, I used to run 10 miles every night to train for the big marathons. But as an American and a Patriot I think I better hold off for a while,” stated 310 lb man Earl Sparny.
Whether you were a runner before or you stopped running after the attacks in Boston, one thing is for sure: if you stop jogging, the terrorists win.