Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
As America pulls together after another senseless tragedy, sales of Red Sox merchandise have begun to rise, and as one shopowner put it, Red Sox hats are ‘flying off the shelves’.
“I just got a shipment of 200 hats on Friday,” Burman’s Hat Store in Hannibal, Missouri owner Mike Burman told us. “I have only one – oh, you want to buy this? Alright, I don’t have any left.” Readers old enough to remember may recall a similar sales surge in New York Yankees merchandise after the events of September 11th, 2001.
“Yeah, we’re selling a lot of Red Sox stuff right now, for obvious reasons. Strangely enough, we’ve still got a lot of Celtics and Bruins hats and shirts in the store right now, but if you think about it – you didn’t see a lot of people wearing Knicks hats after 9/11, either,” Burman added.
In addition to the rising demand of Red Sox merchandise, American flag manufacturers are also pumping out an inordinate supply, as can be expected after a major American tragedy like this.
“On any average day, we make about one thousand flags,” Gary Donner told us. Donner owns and operates a flag factory that exports to all fifty states. “As soon as the news hit last Monday, we bumped up our output to ten thousand a day. It’s a terrible time for America, but it’s a fantastic time for American flag makers. Uh, can you not publish that?”