Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Terrorism Takes Backseat to America’s Biggest Problem: Cinnamon

ImageCINCINNATI, OH – America’s biggest threat isn’t terrorism, authorities have found, nor is it global warming, gun control, the energy crisis, or immigration. America’ biggest enemy? Cinnamon.

It seems all over the internet, teenagers are trying to complete ‘The Cinnamon Challenge’, which consists of a man or woman taking a tablespoon of cinnamon and trying to eat it within 60 seconds without any sort of fluid. This usally ends with the ‘victim’ coughing and choking on the household spice, while tears stream from their eyes.

“It’s wicked,” University of Ohio freshman Oliver Garmin told us. “You try to keep it in your mouth, but it doesn’t want to stay in your mouth. So soon you’re crying, but it’s like a manly cry because it’s from cinnamon, and not because of your parent’s divorce.”

Other videos on the internet show teenagers doing the same with cocoa, oregano, and paprika, but Garmin confirms the only real way to do it is with cinnamon.

“If you do it with cocoa, you’re lame as fuck. What does that even prove?”

Authorities have taken a stern look at eating cinnamon since a report came out that this ‘Challenge’ often has adverse health effects.

“You’re breathing that shit in, that can’t be healthy,” scientist Walter Fredericks warned. “It’s probably just sitting in your lungs, but what do I care? Go for it. Bunch of morons.”

Cinnamon has yet to claim any lives, but the FDA has nonetheless banned cinnamon from being sold to anyone below 21 years of age. So thanks, teenagers. What am I going to put on my hot chocolate now, cocaine?

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This entry was posted on April 22, 2013 by in Community, Politics, Pop-Culture.
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