Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
CLEVELAND, OH – Former Los Angeles Lakers coach Mike Brown is in the front-running to return to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers, sources report, and Brown can’t wait to lead Cleveland and it’s fans down another dark, frustrating road.
“Coach is a strong word,” Brown told us. “I wouldn’t say I’m a coach, per say – I’m just kind of there, making sure everyone is playing, watching the game. I prefer ‘Head Spectator’.” Brown was fired from the Los Angeles Lakers five games into this past season, a ‘fucking finally’ move according to Lakers fans. Now reports have surfaced that the Cavaliers are looking to bring Brown back with a five-year, $20 million contract. “I felt I left Cleveland without finishing my work here. My work being destroying NBA franchises from within.”
Brown coached the Cavliers from 2005 all the way until 2011, before leaving for greener pastures, then being fired from those greener pastures in 2012. Brown is from Columbus, OH, and claims his family’s comfort is one of his primary concerns.
“Can I help the Cavs win a ring? No. Can I help them get to the playoffs? Probably not. But can I make my family comfortable while I ruin the Cavaliers franchise from the ground up? Yeah. Yeah, I can do that,” Brown said. “I believe in myself and my coaching style enough that I can assure that.”
Brown coached the Lakers to a 1-4 start this past season, but that doesn’t seem to bother him.
“One and four, but if you switch it around, that’s four and one. That’s how I coach. Always look at the positive, not the negative. I’m comin’ back, Cleveland!”
Despite Brown once coaching the Cavaliers to two 60-plus-win seasons in a row, Cleveland fans are not receptive to Brown’s return.
“You better be fucking joking,” one angry Cavs fan told us.