Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
NAMPA, ID – During an “Everything Must Go” sale at Discount Shoes, a man came into the store , grabbed the store clerk and forced her into his automobile. Others in the store were unsure how to act surrounded by banners that read, “Everything must go!”
“I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, this poor girl was getting kidnapped. On the other hand – everything must go. I am a man who follows things quite literally,” said Joe Peppercorn, a loyal shopper at Discount Shoes.
Peppercorn was not the only person who stood idly by as 17 year old Donna Trenton was kidnapped. According to the report, after the cashier was kidnapped, people began to realize that anything in the store was fair game. Shelves, tables, and cash registered began being carried out by shoppers.
“I called some handy men in to take out the windows once the store was unattended. Everything had to go. As far as I’m concerned, they are serious about that,” said Frank Galey. Galey wanted to use the windows for an exhibit he was setting up in his front yard, but that’s another story altogether.
There are no leads on where the man and the store clerk are hiding out. Authorities presume that the kidnapper and victim have no idea that any law was broken.