Word Rat

Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"

Wolf Blitzer Leaks Government Secrets While Drunk at a Bar

BOSTON, MA – After reporting on terrorism in Boston and terrorist plots in Canada, Wolf Blitzer apparently got rather drunk at a bar and began leaking top government secrets.  wolf-blitzer-cnn-hack

“There was no suspect in the boat, that was all a set-up,” Blitzer told a woman while beer was seeping out of his mouth.  “It’s all a set-up, but don’t tell anyone I told you,” Blitzer said.  The woman happened to be FBI agent Debbie Sparks.

“There’s no excuse for Blitzer getting so blitzed,” Sparks said.  “If I were to be a reporter, I could have really shocked America with what Blitzer spewed out of his bearded mouth.”

Wolf Blitzer, famous for his reporting on CNN, denies that six beers and a “couple of tequila shots” can get him drunk.

“I can’t take this kind of pressure, man,” Blitzer said later that night while hugging a public restroom toilet between barfs.  “I can’t be expected to know this kind of-” then Blitzer proceeded to spew all over the bathroom floor.  “They’re on to me!” He said while starting to cry.

It is clear that Wolf Blitzer is struggling to grasp the kind of information he is being told to keep secret.  There is no telling how long it will take him to snap again.


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This entry was posted on April 24, 2013 by in Politics, Pop-Culture.
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