Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
“I always thought he was the shit,” fellow fourth grader Beverly Thomas said. “But he ain’t the shit. Shit doesn’t cry.” Several kids that were in the area of the playground between the monkey bars and the swing set revealed that Marty Davis began crying just a few minutes into recess.
Although the reason behind the tears is unknown at this point, children have begun throwing out guesses.
“I think his parents are getting divorced,” Tommy Pullman told reporters. “It’s a bummer, but he should know better than to cry here in front of everybody. People are going to be talking about this for a long time.”
“I think he banged his head on the jungle gym,” Chelsea Marin, third grader, mentioned. “It definitely seemed like it was from a physical injury.”
Marty Davis has been considered a ‘cool kid’ in the past. He was the first in the school to own his own iPad, and frequently has sleepovers at his house with other ‘cool kids’. Friends of Davis say this incident has irreperably bruised his reputation.
“I’ll have to think twice the next time he tells me about a new band, or urges me to watch a new movie,” Thomas told us. “I don’t want people to think I’m a crier, too.”