Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
By Matt Holmes
BEAUREGARD PARISH, LA – In a stunning turn of events three Louisiana Republican law makers who do not wish to make their names known at this point have written an
amendment to the Defense of Marriage Act which would allow for homosexual people to
be legally wed only in the case of “shotgun” marriage.
“I would like to reiterate that I am a firm believer that marriage exists only as the
Bible clearly states between one man and one woman. That being said, my views have
evolved to believe this is only true if it does not infringe on our second amendment
rights.” Another one of what are being called the ‘gang bang of three’ is quoted as
saying: “Having a wedding at (shot)gun point is an age old tradition in this country, and
no matter what God says, it is enshrined in our second amendment rights.”
The case that ignited the controversy began in Beauregard Parish in south
western Louisiana. Adam Miller had been in a long-term relationship with Nick Krcmar.
Miller stated, “I love Riley very much, but he was just not the commitment type.” Mr.
Miller in July 2012 was able to obtain a sample of Mr. Krcmar’s sperm. He then had that
sperm mixed with a sample of his own which was then implanted into a donor egg and
carried by a surrogate. When Mr. Miller told Mr. Krcmar of the pregnancy, Mr. Krcmar
stated that he did not want to have anything to do with the child, to which Mr. Miller is
quoted as saying, “Well, it’s one of our babies, and she is having it and I am keeping it.”
At that point, Mr. Krcmar severed relations with Mr. Miller.
When Rudolph Miller, the father of Adam Miller, heard of the events he grabbed
his shotgun and sprung into action. “We have been having shotgun marriages in these
parts for as long as I can remember. Why, I was shotgun married to my wife Sue, and
we have been together for forty years, on and off. It’s just a good time honored tradition
in these parts.” The nuptials were to take place in the early fall or whenever Rudolf
Miller and his shotgun could catch up with Mr. Krcmar, but on applying for a shotgun
marriage application, Mr. Miller found out that because the two men were of the same
sex, no marriage license would be issued. At this point Mr. Miller called his local
“It should not have surprised me that Big Government would stand in the way of
our Second Amendment rights like this. It is just another case of liberal East Coast
elites forcing their polices on good law abiding people.” The amendment is still in rough
form, but it affirms “traditional” marriage while making an exception for “shotgun”
weddings. When reached for a final comment another of the congressmen states: “It’s
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, unless Steve’s dad is holding a Gun.”