Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
LONDON – The bloody man suspected of killing a British soldier was really just renown finger painter Eric Jopski. The world thought they had caught a terrorist literally red-handed holding a meat cleaver, but the man had an explanation.
Jopski was really just doing the finishing touches on his latest finger-painting picture of an apple, which is why he was using red paint. Witnesses say they saw him and another person chanting “Allahu akbar,” but he was really chanting “all I am is this far… away from finishing my finger-painting.”
As for the meat cleaver, Jopski was slicing up some vegetables for his meal which he usually eats as he paints. All the media attention he received confused him, and he began speaking as if he really had killed the British soldier.
All this information is based on the data his best friend gave us, which we figure is unbiased. Nevertheless, it is a shame that his painting of an apple will remain unfinished.