Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – A recent census report revealed that an alarming number of barbers from the U.S. are expatriating to North Korea following Kim Jon Un’s enforcement of a mandatory haircut resembling his own hair. According to reports, Kim Jong Un recently made a national law that every male in North Korea must get the same haircut as the one he wears. After the announcement, haircut sales in North Korea hit a record high.
Barbers from all over the United States are migrating to North Korea in the hundreds to profit from this new law. Although entrance into North Korea without proper documentation could result in a lifetime in a labor camp or even the death penalty, barbers continue to risk it all for a chance at living the good life as a high paid barber in North Korea.
“It’s a real easy gig! All you have to do is put a bowl over the customer’s head and shave underneath it. And there are so many customers coming in, scared to death! It turns out the possibility of death or life imprisonment is a great haircut sales technique,” said barber Ed Schlapinsky. Schlapinsky is one of the many barbers making anywhere from ₩300,000 to ₩800,000 per year cutting hair in North Korea.
Business is booming for barbers who emigrate to North Korea. One of the only downsides is that the customers are often “trembling” which could make for some uneven cuts. Some folks are even chugging the blue liquid barbicide in an attempt to decide their own fate before giving in to Kim Jon Un’s tyrannical laws.
“I make them pay before the haircuts,” Schlapinsky said.