Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
The country’s dad, Ron Stilsky, has reportedly canceled the United States presidential election. Dad claims the cancellation was the result of people not getting along. Silsky has reportedly had it “up to here,” he claimed, gesturing with his hand right about eye level.
“Do onto others as you would have them do onto you,” Dad reminded, emphasizing that this was “the golden rule.” Dad believes if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.
Both the Trump and Clinton camps were in disarray at the announcement of the cancelation. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were ordered to their rooms for the foreseeable future.
“Dad’s a real hard-on sometimes,” Trump said while sulking with some close advisors in his bedroom, where Dad sent him. Trump was working on a plan to keep Dad out of his room for good. “I build the best walls and I want one in my bedroom to keep out all Dads.” Trump explained. “… And Mexicans,” he added.
“This is total bull!” Clinton remarked as she stomped around her bedroom. Meanwhile Former President Bill Clinton complimented some of the decorating in Hillary’s room, as it was the first time he has had the chance to “check it out.”
America’s Dad Ron Stilsky was last seen watching ESPN and munching on low-sodium pretzels in the living room. When asked when America could proceed with the election, Stilsky quickly interrupted saying “not a word… or else.”