Reliable Fake News. "Shitty Onion"
LUPSTINGTON, IN – A wet nasty fart has reportedly ruined an evening for Jill and Tom Fernton this past Friday night at the Hollywood Cinema in Lupstington. The fart began around 9:46 PM during a showing of Beauty and the Beast. The fart seeped out of Tom Fernton’s anus just as the characters Belle and the Beast were engaging in a romantic kiss.
“It was a loud one, so the other people in the theater were pretty upset,” Tom said of the fart. “I got some dirty looks, some groans too. I think a little girl started crying.” The fart lasted for around five seconds according to some reports. The lingering smell following the fart made matters worse for everyone involved. A sewage treatment engineer was in the audience who said he had never smelled something “so rank.”
“I think Tom should hold in his farts or go to the bathroom to release them,” Jill Fernton complained. Jill was quick to add that Tom should not have had “all those chicken wings.” Tom had eaten 12 hot chicken wings during the theater, which served food. Food services were shut down after the fart was squeezed out.
Several professionals were called into the theater, including a doctor, five firefighters, a janitor, a trauma therapist, and even an exorcist. The theater will remain closed until further notice.